savoring

As our wait has continued, so many people have said things to us like, “Oh, you should savor this extra time together! You should go out to dinner! Or go to a movie! Or sleep in!” The comments are almost always said with a wistful tone, as they’re usually coming from parents of small children (or people who have at one point been the parents of small children), people who don’t have the freedom or luxury of being able to spontaneously do whatever it is they want to do. I know they are not meant to be hurtful or negative in any way.

But if I’m honest, and I’m usually pretty darn honest here, I usually want to strangle the well-intentioned people who are saying these things to me. (But I haven’t, at least so far.)

Why? Because this is not what we want to be doing. We want nothing more than to have our daughter home with us, to be stuck in the house, waking up at all hours, and relegated to ordering pizza when we don’t feel like cooking. Frankly, after 12 years of marriage, we’ve got a great, comfortable routine down, but we’re tired of it. And we have a daughter halfway around the world; it’s impossible to do anything without her on our minds.

Now, intellectually, I know the grass is always greener. And I imagine at some point in the not-so-distant future I will wistfully think, “Oh, wouldn’t it be nice to just be able to drop everything and go out to a quiet, adult-only dinner tonight?” I’m positive I’ll have those thoughts. But I’m going to try really hard to never speak them out loud to people who are struggling in a child-less state.

After that bit of a rant, though, I will say that I found myself really savoring this past weekend. On Saturday we spent a few hours reorganizing our kitchen cabinets, and it’s sort of embarrassing how happy that project made me. Craig cooked an amazing dinner. I set the table, which is something that generally never happens in our house unless we have guests. We had cocktails AND wine. We listened to my new favorite Pandora station (Mumford&Sons) and played a couple of board games after dinner – just the two of us. (I won.) On Sunday I had brunch with girlfriends, and Craig did school work. I worked on pulling together things for our trip – everything except our toiletries, clothing, and personal electronics – as we need to be ready to go on extremely short notice. This means that I actually have things for Baby K fully ready to go. Then we went out for what we hope was a “last hurrah” dinner at our favorite local special occasion restaurant (special occasion mainly because you can only get a reservation a few weeks in advance; otherwise we’d go more often).

Really, there was nothing remarkable about this weekend. We didn’t take a trip, we didn’t make any special plans (other than making the dinner reservation – but we could have eaten anywhere). It was just a typical weekend. I noted to Craig at one point, though, that I had really enjoyed our weekend, just the two of us. I took time to take it in and appreciate it all, after 12 years of weekends just like this one. He felt the same way. So I think we’ve accomplished what people have suggested to us, really – that we should appreciate and savor these moments as two, before we become three.

(But let’s all collectively hope that we’re three really, really soon. Okay?)

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24 Responses to savoring

  1. Alan says:

    Okay! (Said the recent adoptive dad who spent three days last week recovering from a flu brought home by his new 36-inch-tall disease vector…)

  2. christine says:

    Oh Kelly… We all really, really hope that you are with K soon. Very, very soon. And being the glass half full type of girl, I feel a little sick because I’m probably one of “those people.” Please know that I think your wait is wrong, too long, and ridiculously hard. And that you and baby K should have been reunited months ago. I know how miserable this is, and I honestly don’t know how you are doing it. You simply amaze me with your grace and strength. (Regardless of the “ranting”… you deserve that!)

  3. michelleoryl says:

    Okay!!! [I am with Christine, as I am sure I am one of “those” people that said to kick back and enjoy your time now. We all know that your time is NOW and all of us are counting on that TC to come any second to bring Baby K home.]

  4. Molly says:

    I sooo feel the same way, although (like you) I certainly understand intentions. I think, for me, anxiety about upcoming events sort of cancels out the concept of relaxation. That said, a nice weekend together is the perfect way to start a new chapter. Hoping for good news *soon*.

    • Kelly says:

      That’s so true, Molly – it’s hard to sit back and relax when you are dealing with anxiety and the giant unknown.

  5. collandglenn says:

    I’m so glad that you had what sounds like a truly lovely weekend and also totally get your feelings about the well-intentioned comments. The one that drove me the most nuts was…”you’ll totally forget the wait once your baby is in your arms!” Again….a comment made with love but always made me want to just bop the person one. 😉
    Thinking of you all the time and praying you are reunited with your baby girl oh so very soon!

  6. 2plus2mom says:

    Yes, there will come a time when you will look back and wish you could just drop everything and have a grown up dinner. That’s when you get a babysitter and hit the town. Best of both worlds! But sometimes those nights when you order pizza and fall asleep on the couch are the best ones. Glad to hear you’re all packed. Did you make it clear with Lisa that you don’t need a week’s notice? Worked for us…

  7. Amanda says:

    Oh…the well intentioned comments. We already had two children and the worry/wait was utter purgatory. May you be snuggling sleepless and tired of take out soon!
    Amanda

  8. Shannon says:

    Oh Kelly I totally get what you mean! It sounds like they think children are an inconvenience or something. I can’t stand when people say, “Oh you just wait! You think you will be able to do that then?” Um…NO I don’t think that (whatever ‘that’ may be). Or another comment people don’t think about is…”Now watch! You will get pregnant after you adopt!” I can’t stand that one either.
    Okay…there’s my rant. 🙂

    • Kelly says:

      Thankfully I have not heard the “now you’ll get pregnant” thing in a while! But I do expect it to start up again. Those people will be in real risk of physical danger!

  9. Erin says:

    I remember having all the time in the world on my hands and being totally miserable because all I wanted was kids. Now, when I find myself wishing for a day to myself, I think back to that miserable time in my life waiting for a baby.

    So, I won’t be one of the ones to tell you to just “enjoy” it because I know that yearning you speak of.

    Hopefully soon my friend.

    Erin ( I have a different email now….used to be erin30mt@yahoo.com. Not anymore.

  10. Sue says:

    Collectively hoping you are there soon!

  11. Scott Del Pozzo says:

    Kelly,
    Nikki and I feel the same way. Can’t tell you how many times we have heard the same thing from well intentioned friends and family. Meanwhile we can think of nothing else but the the smell of our daughter’s hair, her laugh, and our son’s mischievious smile and the way he ran to us to give us a hug. We yearn for all of the new adventures we have ahead of us.
    We keep you and Craig in our thoughts and prayers that you will be with K very soon.
    Scott

  12. Kyra says:

    I personally couldn’t get out and do the “all those things you’ve been meaning to do and won’t be able to once they’re with you” things because I just moped around a lot and operated at half-speed. And now that they’re with us, I don’t miss my childless life. Though I do miss being able to put something down and find it in the same place 2 minutes later. And I miss having people sit next to me rather than on top of me.

  13. Brandi says:

    I’m glad you had a good weekend! I can see why people say those things though…as much as I love my kids, having a day to yourself on occasion is really nice and they become very rare once the little people take over your lives. But i can also see how people saying that to you is just frustrating. I know how long you have waited for this and I can’t wait until she’s home with you! But, can I say I told you so when you post “I just want to pee alone”. One day?? LOL!

    • Kelly says:

      I’m just saying that right now I don’t want people telling me to have fun and enjoy myself, because right now, that’s not what I want. So, no, you can’t tell me you told me so when I want to go to the bathroom by myself. I’m sure I will be just like all mothers and wish for that private moment once in a while, too!

      • Brandi says:

        Sorry. I was kidding and was hoping a littel potty humor would make you smile. Didn’t mean to upset you. I thought you would know that’s the last thing I want to do. 😦

  14. Emily Casper says:

    Reorganizing a kitchen to make room for bottles, sippy cups and baby food! 🙂
    Kelly – you amaze me. I’m glad you’re so honest. Your posts have given me so much insight. It has helped me be a better mom and learn how to give support to other people I know going through adoption. You’re right – you won’t really miss these days. Having Baby K with you is the most important thing, but I’m glad you had a weekend of goodness in such a tough waiting period. But….Brandi’s post made me giggle. I wouldn’t mind peeing with the door actually closed – especially in the Target bathroom! 🙂 It’s all part of the greatness of being a parent and it’s coming to you soon and I can’t wait to see that precious girl in your arms for good. Here’s hoping for weekends of three very very soon!

  15. jmtorlay says:

    Can I just say that you will still have the occasional dinner out and a life after baby K! But you will have so much more than that 🙂 There is so much fun and happy headed your way and I cannot wait for you to start experiencing it. (and for the record Mason prefers eating at nice restaurants to frozen pizza so here’s hoping baby K will feel the same)

    But I’m still glad you had a great weekend together. Now time for that TC!!!

  16. Karlie says:

    Can’t wait for you to two to become three!!!

  17. Matt Conger says:

    Nice rant, Kelly! And a good story too.

  18. sue says:

    i can’t wait until all you’re eating is frozen pizza 🙂

  19. Janet says:

    (I typed a LONG comment the other day – on my phone – but it doesn’t seem to be here…so I will try to recreate it…but it probably won’t be as good…)

    Oh, Kelly…I so remember being in this situation. I also HATED when people would tell me to enjoy the wait…enjoy my free time…enjoy my dinners out, that I had NO idea how my life was going to change, etc… C and I had been married almost 13 years by the time D finally joined our ranks (one month shy of our 13th anniversary). We dated for 5 1/2 years prior to getting married. That meant 18 years of just-the-two-of-us…and so ready to become the-three-of-us. We went out to dinner every weekend…we had lots of amazing trips & vacations…lots of B&B weekends…but we were so ready for the next phase to begin…more than ready…years past ready. It took all my strength not to scream, slap the person who told me what I know they meant as a joke, or cry (or all of the above). For this very reason…I promised myself I would never say those same things.

    I know I sometimes joke/complain about getting up at 4:45 in the morning with our early bird…but you know what??…I wouldn’t change it for the world. Nothing a little extra coffee doesn’t handle. Sure, I look a little older…have some more gray hairs now…have got out of my rigid daily exercise program…but I wouldn’t change a thing. I cannot wait until you are there too.

    Hugs to you…this wait totally sucks.

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