finding the joy

I’ll admit that I haven’t been feeling too joyful lately. I know that people generally don’t understand why I am not jumping up and down with excitement all of the time, but the fact is, my happiness and excitement about Baby K – which is definitely there, don’t get me wrong – is clouded by layers of worry and anxiety. I’m not worried about her well-being, for the most part; rather, I’m worried about when she’s coming home – will it be in a few weeks, or could it still be months away? Just that question alone is enough to make me crazy.

On top of the anxiety, I miss her so much. SO much. I am not numb as I have felt in other parts of this arduous adoption process. Instead, I am feeling every bit of it, and it really, really hurts.

However, I want to work on finding the joy in all of this, the joy of soon bringing Baby K fully into our lives. We have a daughter. She is healthy. She continues to grow (she is up to 15.4 pounds; she is definitely no longer a small baby!) and meet developmental milestones. She has a smile that lights up a room; I’ve seen it firsthand. And she is, we hope, coming home soon. There is much to be joyful about.

But since the joy is not coming naturally to me, I’m resolving today to work on finding it. Perhaps I will go shopping this weekend and pick up a few cute little outfits for her, and maybe I’ll get to work on a project for her room that I’ve been contemplating. Whatever it is, I will do something that will help me feel connected to her in a positive way. Maybe I can retrain my wounded heart so that it will come naturally, or maybe it’s something I’ll have to work at every day until she is home. But I will work on it, because it’s worth finding.

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14 Responses to finding the joy

  1. Holli says:

    Hugs from Boston, chica. I love ya!

  2. Brandi says:

    It’s gotta be hard…I can’t imagine. 😦 Now pull yourself together and go get a couple of cute outfits to match those bows! 🙂 ((HUGS))

  3. Erin says:

    So excited for you.I’m sure it’s all about the fact that you can’t have her NOW ya know?? I hope the time goes by very quickly for you until she arrives safely home with you.

  4. Sue says:

    When I was having a rough day waiting for that damn date to bring A home, I would go and buy something (even if it was small like a pair of socks) just to feel close to her. I say give that a shot, along with some bourbon. Hang in there. I know how sucky this part is…but I know it will also be a memory soon enough!

  5. Beth Stewart says:

    I hear you. I’m working on finding my joy, too. Right now, the best i can do is to say that if there’s a situation I can’t control, all I can control is my response to it… like you said, work hard to find my joy! I can’t wait to meet that sweet baby girl and hope it’s really soon!

  6. Kim says:

    yep. you’re in the hardest part of the wait. hang in there! she’ll be home so soon, even if it feels like forever now.

  7. kwatkinsinfl says:

    I wish I could give you some magic answer, but the truth is, it just SUCKS! Just know that you are in the hardest part, and that soon (relatively speaking) it will all be behind you. I agree with Sue. Shop. And drink. That’s how I survived.

  8. Jaclyn says:

    Definitely shop or work on her room. Doing something proactive; it just feels better.

  9. I can’t even imagine what it must be like, having to leave your baby behind with no set date for her homecoming. When I was waiting for our travel call to go pick up Daniel, I felt some of the same feelings you describe. Once, while on a run with my sister (who had her baby home at this point), I just broke down. It’s such an anxious time. I’m praying that you will receive good news very soon.

  10. Karlie says:

    Kelly- such an honest and heartfelt post. One of your best. My heart goes out to you! I will look on her next weekend when we are there 😉

  11. sue says:

    big hugs. i cannot even fathom what it must be like to meet your baby and then leave her – especially not knowing when you can return. you’ll find the joy – i know you will 🙂

  12. Kelly says:

    It’ OK to feel sad & hurt & worried. That makes sense to me. It’s a funny thing, though, because it’s also a joyful time because you’re preparing for Baby K’s arrival. Feeling happy & sad at the same time is a little surreal. So go shopping like you planned (Ahem, I think I saw some cute little dresses on IG) and work on her room. Those things do help immensely. Hugs.

  13. Krista says:

    Hugs Kelly! It has to have been so hard to meet her and then have to come home. Come on paperwork!

  14. Christine says:

    I just realized I missed this. I’m so sorry. I wish I had been there for you.

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