I’ll admit that I haven’t been feeling too joyful lately. I know that people generally don’t understand why I am not jumping up and down with excitement all of the time, but the fact is, my happiness and excitement about Baby K – which is definitely there, don’t get me wrong – is clouded by layers of worry and anxiety. I’m not worried about her well-being, for the most part; rather, I’m worried about when she’s coming home – will it be in a few weeks, or could it still be months away? Just that question alone is enough to make me crazy.
On top of the anxiety, I miss her so much. SO much. I am not numb as I have felt in other parts of this arduous adoption process. Instead, I am feeling every bit of it, and it really, really hurts.
However, I want to work on finding the joy in all of this, the joy of soon bringing Baby K fully into our lives. We have a daughter. She is healthy. She continues to grow (she is up to 15.4 pounds; she is definitely no longer a small baby!) and meet developmental milestones. She has a smile that lights up a room; I’ve seen it firsthand. And she is, we hope, coming home soon. There is much to be joyful about.
But since the joy is not coming naturally to me, I’m resolving today to work on finding it. Perhaps I will go shopping this weekend and pick up a few cute little outfits for her, and maybe I’ll get to work on a project for her room that I’ve been contemplating. Whatever it is, I will do something that will help me feel connected to her in a positive way. Maybe I can retrain my wounded heart so that it will come naturally, or maybe it’s something I’ll have to work at every day until she is home. But I will work on it, because it’s worth finding.