Today marks 24 months of waiting.

That doesn’t count the 7+ months it took us from the day we sent in our application papers to the day our dossier was complete (which was the day we officially began waiting: October 30, 2009).

It doesn’t count the 3.5+ years of trying to conceive, failed treatments, somehow conceiving after all, and repeated pregnancy losses.

If you count all of that, we’re at 74 months.

And you know what? It feels like it’s been 24 months of waiting. And it feels like it’s been 74 months of waiting in the grander scheme. There is definitely no “Oh, how time flies! I can’t believe how quickly the time has passed!” happy-go-lucky attitude over here these days, my friends. It feels like it’s been SIX. LONG. YEARS. of wanting nothing more than to be a mother.

We are a month into “any day now” mode and it is utterly exhausting. I alternate between high anxiety and wallowing in self pity. It’s a whole lot of fun at our house lately, let me tell you.

My head tells me that better days are ahead, but my heart is just too damaged and guarded to understand that right now. I will survive, I know that. But, in the meantime, to put it bluntly, this sucks.

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25 Responses to 24

  1. 74 months IS a long time, and I pray that you will be giving thanks in a big way at your Thanksgiving next month.

  2. Janet says:

    That is a long time. You have waited. Enough. It is time. Being in “any day now” mode is VERY exhausting…you are right. I hope you aren’t there too much longer…and soon can start counting in a different direction. Hugs to you.

  3. amy says:

    Yes it does suck royally. I really enjoy your blog and I wish all of this could just be easier.
    Amy (Molly’s sister from Addis Ababy! blog)

  4. 74 months???? Oh, my goodness and holy cow. That is an insane amount of time, and sounds like a lot of loss as well. I’m so sorry. This whole process is just so difficult. Thinking of you a lot and stalking your blog daily. Come ON, referral!!!

  5. Rain says:

    That’s a long time to be waiting for a dream to come true. I hope that the call comes very soon and it’s everything you’ve hoped for! My fingers are crossed for you.

  6. Jennifer says:

    The “any day” is the WORST part of waiting (right up there with waiting for embassy when everyone else gets approved and is picking up their kids). I was ok with the initial waiting (which was very short in my case), but once I had the prereferral call, I was a mess waiting on the phone to ring. It took about a month, and I had weekly meltdown/phone calls with a friend who is still waiting to get me through that month. Each week I would think I hope to heck I am not calling you again next weekend speculating/hypothesizing how long it might be. … and Friday afternoons are the worst when you think, “No!!! not two more days.” Even when the storm hit yesterday I thought I hope WHFC doesn’t close for a day. Days they aren’t open are awful I know for people waiting…

    Hang in there.. I am hoping you hear this week. I heard about 2:40 on a Friday. Sending good vibes that this is your week!

  7. Kyra says:

    Ugh. I am sorry. Waiting sucks. Everyone says, “Get all those projects you wanted to do done now!” but if you’re like me, you lack the motivation to do those projects. You just want to be done waiting already.

  8. Laurie says:

    It does. it sucks. There’s nothing more to say that won’t sound hollow and that you haven’t heard (and haven’t believed). It sucks. hugs from another who has the “it sucks” right now.

  9. Jenny says:

    waiting sucks. period. we “only” waited 3 years from the time we started trying to having jai and that felt like an eternity, every step of the way… so i can only imagine how horrific 74 months of waiting has been. i honestly can’t believe you’re still waiting. and the wait of “any day now” is almost the worst because there is so much anticipation that your nerves truly can’t take it. really hoping this was the last month.

  10. Sue says:

    I want to give your heart a big hug right now! Better days ARE ahead…the light after the dark. I know it to be true for you.

  11. Emily B. says:

    Waiting for a dream to finally materialize totally sucks!!! I am thinking of you and hoping that your stinking phone rings any moment now! Sending peace!

  12. inventingliz says:

    I’m so sorry you have waited so long. It will be worth it, I promise.

  13. Zoe says:

    Sucks is right!

  14. dmdesign says:

    I give you a ton of credit, Kelly. You still have remained positive and upbeat. It will happen for you, continue to keep yourself busy, hang out with your husband, and you will get that call you have been longing for for so long now. We are all anxiously waiting (on pins and needles…every time I open your blog). :)) Gotta keep your head up! (that is my new motto song) — I still think of you every time I hear Michael Buble :)))

  15. Amy says:

    Ooops. I posted under my husbands log in (that last post was from Amy [Muse and Biskut’s Mom])

  16. Theresa says:

    Hang in there. When you do get that call (and you will get it) your heart will experieince such peace and joy. I don’t want to sound like a corny christmas card – just want to say – yes waiting sucks, especially when you are waiting to become parents for the first time. But you are at the tail end of that wait and although it is hard to go through each day thinking is today the day, and to have all that anxiety, it is going to happen. To have that certainty and to know that you will soon be seeing your child’s face – oh I would trade places with you in a second.

  17. Jamey says:

    This post just hurt my heart for you. I will add you to prayer list for peace and speed!

  18. There is nothing easy about waiting 74 months and it’s hard to keep up a positive attitude all the time. You have been through a lot in those months! We are praying for your family and hope that at least one phase of waiting will soon be over!

  19. Solidarity with you, waiter! It does suck. It is high anxiety, no way around that fact. We just passed 23. I keep thinking maybe we will get our referrals at the same time. Nice thought, right? Must keep our chins up. Hugs, friend.

  20. mkwewer says:

    I think about you and the waiting every day. I keep my fingers crossed and I hope and hope and hope…

  21. Kelly says:

    74 months is an eternity. It really is. And you’re right, the “any-day-now-sitting-on-the-edge-of-your-seat” adrenaline cannot be sustained. It must be *beyond* exhausting. Soooooo, that phone better ring ASAP or we’re all going to go crazy. Come on, referral call. COME ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  22. Sandra says:

    It’s time for that referral.

  23. 74 months IS a long time and maybe you should give us the agency number so we can add a little pressure…just kidding. I know its hard to stay sane but trust me, the call is coming SOON.

  24. Christine says:

    Oh Kelly… I don’t even know what to say. I just wish the damn phone would ring already!!! I was talking to the director of our agency the other day and we were talking about how once you are “in the zone” the wait becomes this horrible, life sapping thing. I’m so sorry you know that fact so well. I’m with Michelle… I say we start a phone blitz on your agency now. 😉

  25. sue says:

    i think this is the worst part of the wait. you are so close, but it still feels so far away! you’ve been waiting so long. too long. i can’t wait until it’s your turn. last week i finished up what i was making for your baby. it’s all in the package addressed and ready to be mailed. it’s just waiting to see who it’s for. i can’t wait to skip to the post office when we hear your news!!!

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