in my dreams

I had a dream last night that I think is indicative of the way I’m currently feeling about our adoption process. Here’s how it went:

We received our referral call. (Just to be clear – this was in the dream! Not in real life. Just don’t want any confusion.) It was 4:15pm on the day before a holiday or weekend. I’m guessing a Friday. The 4:15pm time is interesting since I’ve often wondered if they would call late in the day, or instead just wait until the following morning. I know that often the phone call comes a couple of hours before the email containing photos and information is sent, and so I’ve thought it wouldn’t be very fun to get the call at 4:15 and then not get the photos and information until the following morning. Plus I am in full-on obsession mode in terms of the phone ringing between 9am and 5pm, but then I wonder if I can let it go earlier in the day because they really won’t call us at the end of the day. But that’s just my mind in over-analysis mode (which is pretty much where it always is these days)…

The day before a weekend or holiday part is relevant because, in my dream, we had to wait until Monday to get the information on the child, since nobody works on holidays or weekends. The child referred to us was an infant boy who was recently on a waiting child list because he had a special need. (This is an actual child we recently saw on a waiting child email – not made up in my dream.) In the referral call, we were told that he was no longer on the waiting child list because it was determined that he didn’t really have the special need. This would be worrisome for me on a number of levels, but in my dream, I didn’t have any concerns.

We had to wait through the weekend and on Monday we did not receive the email from our case worker. So I called her. The voice on the phone was not that of our caseworker (but she said she was our caseworker). It was a different voice from the one on the phone with the referral information a few days earlier, who had sounded to me like our case worker. When I asked where the information was, she said, “Oh, I’m sorry, she didn’t work out.” I said, “It was a boy, not a girl, and what do you mean she didn’t work out?” And she said, “Well, these things happen,” and hung up the phone.

And that was that.

I’m definitely not schooled in dream analysis, but I think this reflects a combination of excitement and apprehension about how this will all play out. And perhaps some distrust in my agency, which consciously I’m not aware of but I think it’s natural in the grand scheme of Ethiopian adoptions right now. I definitely have some mixed thoughts on the role of a caseworker in all of this since we’re on our third now and with the current one I have had to initiate any discussions. We’ve felt a bit forgotten at times, and I hope they don’t forget us when it’s our time for a referral! There are also definitely some defense mechanisms kicking in, preparing to have happiness yanked away. This doesn’t surprise me after three miscarriages. And the little boy in the referral, well, I’ve thought about him off and on since we first saw his information when we were in Paris. By now I imagine a family has been matched with him.

Any dream analyzers out there?


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19 Responses to in my dreams

  1. Leah says:

    I’m not an expert dream analyzer, just wanted to say I think you did a good job. πŸ™‚ I think the majority of our dreams aren’t necessarily preminitions or some kind of psychic look into a situation. Instead I think dreams are an indicator of our biggest anxieties and fears. I had crazy dreams constantly during the adoption process. Especially once we were close to referral. And our actual referral was nothing like those dreams. But waiting to find out who your child will be is SCARY. I hope your day is soon Kelly, and I hope the reality is a lot less drama filled than this dream of yours. πŸ™‚

  2. Emily B. says:

    I echo what Leah said! I also had some crazy dreams leading up to our referral and I think it was all about the anxiety. I haven’t taken a math class in over 15 years and I still have anxiety dreams about math. Usually it involves me skipping class the majority of the semester and then showing up for the final exam and not having a clue what is going on and being worried that the teacher hates me. You gotta love anxiety! πŸ™‚ Thinking of you!!!

  3. Molly says:

    What a dream–sounds like anxiety to me, and understandably so. I’m sorry you are feeling forgotten–we often feel like that, but are so far away from a referral it makes more sense. That must be frustrating. Hoping for good news soon.

  4. Jennifer says:

    I got the email as soon as I could get home on the computer. I do not think they wait to send it, but they wait until you respond to their call…. I know I was neurotic after referral that one of them would die… really neurotic. It is rare, but still…
    THAT would kill me…..

    • Kelly says:

      It is good to know that your email came right away! Our case manager told us it could take a few hours for them to get it to us, so I think that’s where that particular fear/anxiety comes in. As for death after referral, my bloggy friend Amy knows that rare possibility all too well… 😦

  5. Kelly says:

    Kelly, I totally remember having those anxiety dreams while we were in process too! (Warning – they don’t stop post-referral, they just relate to travel issues after that πŸ™‚ They are disconcerting but normal, and I agree that they are not related to any premonitions (in my opinoin), they are just your worst fears (even if slightly irrational) playing out in your dreams.

  6. Sandra says:

    Adoption dreams are the worst…

  7. Kyra says:

    We talked to our caseworker at 9:30 in the morning and didn’t get the email until 3:30 that afternoon. I think each case is different. And I think it’s totally normal to be having these dreams.

  8. christine says:

    The other girls summed it up well, as did you! I think it’s all these little things that build up and we can push them down when we’re awake…but not asleep! For what it’s worth, we LOVED our placement agency and I had very similar, distrustful dreams. I blame it on the control freak, Type A personality I’ve been blessed with. I don’t deal well when things are out of my control. πŸ™‚

  9. Kelly nailed it above -ditto. And I must admit, I immediately saw that you got the referral call and was freaking out over here!

  10. Brandi says:

    It doesn’t surprise me at all that you’re having these dreams…first, because I know you too well, and second because your anxiety level has to be insanely high!! I have to say I think I’ve had a little anxiety for you! My mom and I keep talking about it wondering when it’s going to happen. πŸ™‚ OH, and if your child does have a special need, remember…special needs kids ROCK!! πŸ˜‰

  11. Angela says:

    We’re all waiting with you Kelly. You’re in my thoughts and prayers; can’t wait for your big day.

  12. Elizabeth says:

    Oh man… I remember those anxiety dreams! It means you’re so close!!! πŸ™‚
    Sorry that you’ve felt ignored by your caseworker… I hope that improves b/c I know how nervous it must make you feel!

  13. Emily Casper says:

    Kelly – I just wanted to let you know that the Caspers are thinking of you and Craig and hoping for that call to come soon! I can’t imagine how much anxiety you’re having to deal with and I have to say I’m humbled by your ability to handle it all. You are amazing!

  14. kwatkinsinfl says:

    This is so funny. I woke up this morning from a dream about our first meeting with our kiddos. The baby was so tiny that I was afraid I’d break her (think the smallest preemie that you’ve ever seen). And the boy was, well, a girl who was 13 instead of 4.5! Quite a shock! I was relieved when I woke up and realized it was a dream, but little sad that I wasn’t already there meeting them for real. Good to know I’m not alone in this dreamland.

  15. Meg B says:

    It’s maddening when you are close to referral. That far off construct gets really real and that is anxiety provoking. Add the state of Ethiopian adoptions into the mix and it all gets completely unnerving. I had weird dreams, then I just didn’t sleep… Your caseworker has not forgotten you. She will call when it’s time. I thank my lucky stars we chose WHFC; I do think an agency’s reputation in-country is important. WHFC may not hold your hand, but they do know what they are doing and Dr. T (and the rest of the Eth staff) is quite well respected and in The Know. =) It’s tough, but hang in there.

  16. Sue says:

    I often worry, they have forgotten us too. And I always worry about what time they will call-morning, late afternoon. It is so hard right now. So very hard. And least some of us are in this together…I haven’t had any dreams yet but if I do, I will be sure to contact you since you seem to analyze them pretty well!

  17. Janet says:

    I am reading this post for the first time tonight, Saturday, 10/29.
    I’ve been meaning to email or message you on FB all day…
    I had a dream about you last night.
    Yes, I know…odd…since we’ve never met in person.
    I cannot say it was a long dream. I cannot say it was anything overly exciting. But…in the dream you were with several children…some older, some younger…somewhere. I cannot say for sure it was in Ethiopia or even at an adoption agency…but it was definitely you and there were definitely children around you (and they were definitely of a different race)…and you were happy.

    I am not making this up. I swear it is true. I have no idea what it means…or why in the heck I dreamed it…but I really hope it is something good…and soon.

    I had ALL sorts of odd dreams during our adoption process…good, bad, and just plain weird. There are so many emotions tied into it all…and some of them get shoved down deep…deeper than we even know…until we start dreaming.

    Sweet dreams to you.

  18. sue says:

    thinking of you! i’m no dream analyzer, but i think it’s completely normal. i’m glad you documented it, so you can look back on it someday. hugs!

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