I had a dream last night that I think is indicative of the way I’m currently feeling about our adoption process. Here’s how it went:
We received our referral call. (Just to be clear – this was in the dream! Not in real life. Just don’t want any confusion.) It was 4:15pm on the day before a holiday or weekend. I’m guessing a Friday. The 4:15pm time is interesting since I’ve often wondered if they would call late in the day, or instead just wait until the following morning. I know that often the phone call comes a couple of hours before the email containing photos and information is sent, and so I’ve thought it wouldn’t be very fun to get the call at 4:15 and then not get the photos and information until the following morning. Plus I am in full-on obsession mode in terms of the phone ringing between 9am and 5pm, but then I wonder if I can let it go earlier in the day because they really won’t call us at the end of the day. But that’s just my mind in over-analysis mode (which is pretty much where it always is these days)…
The day before a weekend or holiday part is relevant because, in my dream, we had to wait until Monday to get the information on the child, since nobody works on holidays or weekends. The child referred to us was an infant boy who was recently on a waiting child list because he had a special need. (This is an actual child we recently saw on a waiting child email – not made up in my dream.) In the referral call, we were told that he was no longer on the waiting child list because it was determined that he didn’t really have the special need. This would be worrisome for me on a number of levels, but in my dream, I didn’t have any concerns.
We had to wait through the weekend and on Monday we did not receive the email from our case worker. So I called her. The voice on the phone was not that of our caseworker (but she said she was our caseworker). It was a different voice from the one on the phone with the referral information a few days earlier, who had sounded to me like our case worker. When I asked where the information was, she said, “Oh, I’m sorry, she didn’t work out.” I said, “It was a boy, not a girl, and what do you mean she didn’t work out?” And she said, “Well, these things happen,” and hung up the phone.
And that was that.
I’m definitely not schooled in dream analysis, but I think this reflects a combination of excitement and apprehension about how this will all play out. And perhaps some distrust in my agency, which consciously I’m not aware of but I think it’s natural in the grand scheme of Ethiopian adoptions right now. I definitely have some mixed thoughts on the role of a caseworker in all of this since we’re on our third now and with the current one I have had to initiate any discussions. We’ve felt a bit forgotten at times, and I hope they don’t forget us when it’s our time for a referral! There are also definitely some defense mechanisms kicking in, preparing to have happiness yanked away. This doesn’t surprise me after three miscarriages. And the little boy in the referral, well, I’ve thought about him off and on since we first saw his information when we were in Paris. By now I imagine a family has been matched with him.
Any dream analyzers out there?