still here

Hi. I’m still here.

I found myself in need of a break from blogging, FB, and a few others areas of my life for the past couple of weeks, but I’m re-emerging now.

I apologize for my lack of commenting as of late. I have been reading along but I just didn’t have the energy to come up with anything to say.

I really appreciate the messages I got from a few of you checking in on me. That was so sweet of you, and it was nice to know that I was missed. As I’ve said a million times before, the blogging community rocks!

The fact of the matter is that I’ve had a pretty cruddy past few weeks. I just got into super woe-is-me mode and I needed to curl up in a ball and retreat for a bit. While that may not be the healthiest approach, it’s the one I took.

The holidays were extra hard for me this year, and it didn’t help that we ended up having zero Christmas celebration other than two hours with Craig’s mom on Christmas afternoon. She did well through her first chemo treatment, by the way, but was very tired and not up for more than some soup and bread in front of the TV when we went to see her. She was still in her pajamas at 2pm (when she usually dresses in her Sunday best to see us) and that was a big cue to us as to how she was feeling. We had planned to go out for a meal, but she was more interested in the homemade soup and bread we had brought for her, so we ended up having that instead. Of course we didn’t fault her for any of this, and frankly, we were glad she was feeling up to eating at all. But that alone was the entire extent of our holiday and we were both pretty unhappy about the situation, even though it’s where we knew we needed to be. We both like to surround ourselves with family and lots of people for the holidays, and this just wasn’t it. We kept saying to each other, “Merry Friggin’ Christmas,” which was our way of giving ourselves a bit of a laugh at the sort of pathetic situation we found ourselves in.

We lost our invitation to Craig’s cousin’s house for Christmas Eve because his wife went into labor 2 weeks early and they had their third daughter on the afternoon of 23rd. Obviously that upended their plans. I tried not to get too upset about the fact that they have now had three children in the time we’ve tried to have one. Their oldest child just turned 3 a couple of weeks ago. (But I’m not bitter…)

I think the other thing about this holiday season that was so hard for me was realizing that next year’s holiday season is likely to be very much the same. This was our 5th Christmas on our family-building journey, but it’s the first one where I didn’t really feel like I could tell myself, Yeah, but next year it will all be right and we’ll have our child with us. I’ve somehow managed to tell myself that for the past several years, even through infertility and repeated pregnancy losses. The simple fact is that our Ethiopian babe will not be home with us next year. There is a chance – although not a great chance by current time-frames – that we will have a referral of a child by next Christmas. (We are two months into what is now a 15-16 month wait for a referral.) But it is likely next to impossible that we will have our child home with us. So I think I lost my ability to convince myself that this would be the last childless holiday season for us, and that of course was pretty sad.

Anyway, while I needed to take this break for a bit, I’m back now and I already have some other post ideas bouncing through my head. So you’ll be hearing from me again soon. (You surely need to hear about Beagle-Mania in Nashville over the New Year holiday.) And I’m jumping back on the commenting bandwagon as well. I know how much the comments on my blog mean to me, and I hope none of you were hurt or offended by my recent silence. I just needed some quiet for a bit while I was in self-preservation mode.

I hope you and yours had the holiday season that you desired. We each have our own thoughts and ideas on these things, but my wish for you is that you were able to have the holiday that you wanted to have. I know many of you were able to celebrate your first holidays with your children. For those of you still waiting, I hope you know that I empathize and I understand. As much as I tend to feel sorry for myself, please know that my sorrow is not just for me, but it’s for everyone who has to go through this type of situation.

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22 Responses to still here

  1. sue says:

    i missed seeing you around – but i totally understand. glad to hear the first chemo treatment went well.

    i wish i could say something to make the wait easier – i know i can’t. it sucks. i remember watching friends and family start and finish their families while we were still waiting for our first. i remember it hurting so deeply.

    i so hope that you get to see your baby’s sweet face this year. we are all here every step of the way. . .

  2. I missed you too! But, also like Sue, I totally understand the need to withdraw and take time to chill. I’m glad you were able to do that and that it energized you.
    My fingers are extra-crossed that your wait will be shortened. You’ve been through enough, damn it! πŸ™‚
    ((big hugs))

  3. Erin says:

    ((hugs))

  4. Kris says:

    I noticed you took a break and was thinking about you. Glad to hear you are back.

  5. AJ says:

    I’m sorry that your Christmas celebrations didn’t go as you’d hoped. Holidays are the hardest on waiting families, I think.

    I certainly understand how facing a long wait can dampen the spirits. Last year I was telling myself, “At least we’ll have our baby home by next Christmas…” But, we’ll both get through this! The only thing predictable about adoption is that it will be unpredictable; don’t let your hope fade! πŸ™‚

    (I’ve been muttering my various patience mantras for the last two weeks: A few months are nothing compared to the lifetime ahead of us; Our baby doesn’t need us yet; Things will work out for the best so that we’re matched with the child we’re meant to parent, etc. They seem to work best with a glass of wine and/or a pedicure. ;P)

  6. Kelly says:

    Kelly, welcome back. We are so happy to hear from you. Don’t worry, I think most of us understand a little about what you’ve been feeling this holiday season. I hate that you have to wait SO DAMN LONG for your sweet baby. I, too, hope that the estimated wait period is exaggerated and that you will get your referral before next year’s holiday. Even if you don’t have your little one home by then, let me just tell you that having the referral makes Xmas that much better. Of course we were sad that Max wasn’t with us but just knowing about him and putting up a stocking for him this year made it so much easier to bear the holidays. That is my wish for you for next Xmas. In the meantime, I like your friend’s idea about wine and pedicures!!!

  7. Kelly…first of all, ((HUGS)) to you. I’ve so been where you are at right now and it just plain sucks. There is nothing I can say to ever make the pain your are feeling go away, there just isn’t. The one thing I did find comfort in is knowing that I wasn’t alone.

    Strangely enough I look back at all of infertility issues and losses as a blessing. It’s strange, I know. But without them, we wouldn’t be parents to Atticus, which is exactly what we were meant to be.

    Not to say that the waiting doesn’t suck, but suck it indeed does. In the meantime, be good to yourselves and plan fun things to do. While it won’t take away the pain, I always find it a lot easier to deal with the waiting when I have something else planned to look forward to. Perhaps your the same way?

    Lastly, I’m happy to hear that Craig’s mom’s first round of chemo went ok. I hope that she is feeling better soon and that a happy & healthy 2010 is in her future.

    • Kelly says:

      I actually think that in the end I will also view it that way, Bekah – that all of this crap led us to OUR child: the child meant to be a part of our family, the child we were meant to be parents to. Now to just get to that point… πŸ™‚

  8. rainingblossoms says:

    Welcome back! I have missed your posts. I am sorry about the holidays. I hope you had a few bright moments in there.

    I am happy that your MIL seems to be doing well with the chemo. My grandfather is on his second round of radiation, and I know how hard it is on them and the family.

    I can’t really offer much in the way of hope or joy, but just know that I am so thankful to have you in my bloggy life!!!

  9. Jenny says:

    welcome back to blogger land! i was wondering what got you and hoping things were okay with Craig’s mom. glad to hear the first treatment went well!

    the waiting and waiting and waiting is SO HARD. especially around the holidays. then today i went back to work and i was like, dang. i don’t wanna. i wanna be a SAHM already! grrrr! i am SUPPOSED to be a SAHM already! but i know my time will come. and oh, how sweet it will be! we will both cherish our children SO SO much because of our waiting! (it still sucks though πŸ™‚ )

  10. Julie says:

    I am glad you are back. I am hoping that next year’s holidays are A LOT better for you guys. Hugs to you.

  11. Zoe says:

    Welcome back, Kelly!

  12. Amber says:

    thanks for the comment. I am so sorry that your holidays did not go according to plan. That doesn’t make it much fun. I too hope that you get to see your sweet babe’s face at some point this year!!! Here’s to unpredictability…

  13. Amy says:

    You aren’t bitter, you’re human. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your husband and your mom-in-law.

  14. CatherineD says:

    Kelly,

    I did the same thing every Christmas when we were trying to conceive. We (and my parents) tried to spoil our pets with stockings, gifts and costumes to make up for the lack of little ones around – but somehow it wasn’t quite the same. Go figure…

    I had to laugh at Merry Friggin’ Christmas… sounds like something B and I would say.

    I also have to agree with Bekah on the blessing part. Our story is that we wanted children right away, but now that we are parents, I realize that our new marriage probably would not have withstood the stresses of parenting. We had enough to deal with, including me having some crazy withdrawals from Paxil. Even though it totally sucked at the time, I’m so glad we had a chance to really build a strong foundation for a family.

    It’s nice that you were able to spend the holiday with Craig’s mom, but I’m sorry about your friggin’ Christmas…

    Glad to have you back! πŸ™‚

  15. Liz says:

    I withdraw when I’m sad too, so I totally understand…glad you are feeling up to blogging again, my advice would be to keep at it as much as you can – you’ll build a fantastic community of support during that long wait!

  16. Christine says:

    I second a lot of the above comments. I had noticed your absence but knew you had a lot going on… but I missed you, so I’m glad you’re back!! I’ve been kind of missing the past week or two myself but due to other issues. Hopefully, we’ll see more of each other in the blogosphere in the coming weeks.

    πŸ™‚

  17. Christine K says:

    I totally understand the need to take a break. I also understand how hard the holidays can be…please know that you are in my prayers for everything that’s going on in your life right now (Craig’s mom included). I’m glad to be following your blog now and appreciated your comment on mine. I love new blog friends! Take care and hang in there!!

  18. Jodi says:

    Kelly, I was hoping you were okay when I saw you hadn’t blogged in a while!

    Sounds like Christmas was tough on you this year. You have a lot on your mind and heart right now, so I completely understand needing to take some time and have a woe-is-me (is that how you spell it?) moment? I don’t blog when I’m feeling that way either. I’m just glad to see you are back. I hope you are feeling better soon! (((hugs)))

  19. Stephen says:

    Hey Kelly,

    Did I tell you that we got our referral on Christmas Eve? We didn’t have our child with us but it definitely put a positive spin on the holidays for us!

  20. klarobinson215 says:

    Take your time – we’ll be there for you when you come back (and before if you need to just PM)

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