Hi. I’m still here.
I found myself in need of a break from blogging, FB, and a few others areas of my life for the past couple of weeks, but I’m re-emerging now.
I apologize for my lack of commenting as of late. I have been reading along but I just didn’t have the energy to come up with anything to say.
I really appreciate the messages I got from a few of you checking in on me. That was so sweet of you, and it was nice to know that I was missed. As I’ve said a million times before, the blogging community rocks!
The fact of the matter is that I’ve had a pretty cruddy past few weeks. I just got into super woe-is-me mode and I needed to curl up in a ball and retreat for a bit. While that may not be the healthiest approach, it’s the one I took.
The holidays were extra hard for me this year, and it didn’t help that we ended up having zero Christmas celebration other than two hours with Craig’s mom on Christmas afternoon. She did well through her first chemo treatment, by the way, but was very tired and not up for more than some soup and bread in front of the TV when we went to see her. She was still in her pajamas at 2pm (when she usually dresses in her Sunday best to see us) and that was a big cue to us as to how she was feeling. We had planned to go out for a meal, but she was more interested in the homemade soup and bread we had brought for her, so we ended up having that instead. Of course we didn’t fault her for any of this, and frankly, we were glad she was feeling up to eating at all. But that alone was the entire extent of our holiday and we were both pretty unhappy about the situation, even though it’s where we knew we needed to be. We both like to surround ourselves with family and lots of people for the holidays, and this just wasn’t it. We kept saying to each other, “Merry Friggin’ Christmas,” which was our way of giving ourselves a bit of a laugh at the sort of pathetic situation we found ourselves in.
We lost our invitation to Craig’s cousin’s house for Christmas Eve because his wife went into labor 2 weeks early and they had their third daughter on the afternoon of 23rd. Obviously that upended their plans. I tried not to get too upset about the fact that they have now had three children in the time we’ve tried to have one. Their oldest child just turned 3 a couple of weeks ago. (But I’m not bitter…)
I think the other thing about this holiday season that was so hard for me was realizing that next year’s holiday season is likely to be very much the same. This was our 5th Christmas on our family-building journey, but it’s the first one where I didn’t really feel like I could tell myself, Yeah, but next year it will all be right and we’ll have our child with us. I’ve somehow managed to tell myself that for the past several years, even through infertility and repeated pregnancy losses. The simple fact is that our Ethiopian babe will not be home with us next year. There is a chance – although not a great chance by current time-frames – that we will have a referral of a child by next Christmas. (We are two months into what is now a 15-16 month wait for a referral.) But it is likely next to impossible that we will have our child home with us. So I think I lost my ability to convince myself that this would be the last childless holiday season for us, and that of course was pretty sad.
Anyway, while I needed to take this break for a bit, I’m back now and I already have some other post ideas bouncing through my head. So you’ll be hearing from me again soon. (You surely need to hear about Beagle-Mania in Nashville over the New Year holiday.) And I’m jumping back on the commenting bandwagon as well. I know how much the comments on my blog mean to me, and I hope none of you were hurt or offended by my recent silence. I just needed some quiet for a bit while I was in self-preservation mode.
I hope you and yours had the holiday season that you desired. We each have our own thoughts and ideas on these things, but my wish for you is that you were able to have the holiday that you wanted to have. I know many of you were able to celebrate your first holidays with your children. For those of you still waiting, I hope you know that I empathize and I understand. As much as I tend to feel sorry for myself, please know that my sorrow is not just for me, but it’s for everyone who has to go through this type of situation.