I have firmly established on this blog that I cry a lot. Sometimes I think it’s due to a genetic predisposition. (My mom would agree; we have a very strong mother-daughter crying connection.) Sometimes I think it’s because I’m an emotional person. And sometimes, frankly, I think I cry because I have a lot to cry about.
Over the past few days I’ve started to draft several posts about how unhappy I am. I deleted each one because I was feeling so bad that I didn’t want to tell anyone about it – not even the support system I have in place through this blog. That’s how low I’ve been feeling.
I will spare you the gory details of my pity party (or maybe you’ll hear about them another day) but simply said: I miss my babies (past and future), the holidays suck, I hate my job, I’m fat, I’m overwhelmed and under-appreciated with my volunteer work, and my mother-in-law has been diagnosed with breast cancer.
I have been putting on a fake happy face and trying to make myself be happy. (Some would insist that this is the way to be happy – to make yourself be happy.) But I have had a cold this week and I think the fact that I wasn’t feeling 100% great forced me to let my guard down. So I cried and cried. And then I cried some more. Over the past few days I have cried probably 50 times, and let me assure you that they were not tears of joy. Some were simple instances of tears welling up in my eyes, and some were all-out I-might-actually-throw-up-if-I-don’t-calm-down sobs from deep down in my inner core.
By last night I felt I had rounded the woe-is-me bend. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still feeling sorry for myself. But at least the tears had stopped. I was relieved about that. It’s exhausting to cry so much, both mentally and physically.
However, I’ve already had two major outbursts this morning. One involved seriously happy tears for my good bloggy friend Kelly and her husband Jon, who received their referral for their adorable son Max. And then about an hour after reading their news, I learned that friends of ours had a miscarriage last night.
I’m so tired of the tears.