I have firmly established on this blog that I cry a lot. Sometimes I think it’s due to a genetic predisposition. (My mom would agree; we have a very strong mother-daughter crying connection.) Sometimes I think it’s because I’m an emotional person. And sometimes, frankly, I think I cry because I have a lot to cry about.

Over the past few days I’ve started to draft several posts about how unhappy I am. I deleted each one because I was feeling so bad that I didn’t want to tell anyone about it – not even the support system I have in place through this blog. That’s how low I’ve been feeling.

I will spare you the gory details of my pity party (or maybe you’ll hear about them another day) but simply said: I miss my babies (past and future), the holidays suck, I hate my job, I’m fat, I’m overwhelmed and under-appreciated with my volunteer work, and my mother-in-law has been diagnosed with breast cancer.

I have been putting on a fake happy face and trying to make myself be happy. (Some would insist that this is the way to be happy – to make yourself be happy.) But I have had a cold this week and I think the fact that I wasn’t feeling 100% great forced me to let my guard down. So I cried and cried. And then I cried some more. Over the past few days I have cried probably 50 times, and let me assure you that they were not tears of joy. Some were simple instances of tears welling up in my eyes, and some were all-out I-might-actually-throw-up-if-I-don’t-calm-down sobs from deep down in my inner core.

By last night I felt I had rounded the woe-is-me bend. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still feeling sorry for myself. But at least the tears had stopped. I was relieved about that. It’s exhausting to cry so much, both mentally and physically.

However, I’ve already had two major outbursts this morning. One involved seriously happy tears for my good bloggy friend Kelly and her husband Jon, who received their referral for their adorable son Max. And then about an hour after reading their news, I learned that friends of ours had a miscarriage last night.

I’m so tired of the tears.

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18 Responses to tears

  1. Christine says:

    I don’t know that there is anything I can say to make it better… but I will say that I hope the tears are over for a little while. And I hope in some way posting it here is therapeutic for you. And mostly, I hope you find some well deserved peace and happiness … soon.

    (((HUGS))) my friend.

  2. Jennifer says:

    Oh honey, I am so very sorry you’re going through a rough time right now…it seems like when things get rough/tough, it all tends to hit at the same time (well, at least in my life). I am hopeful that you will find a way to feel better about things and cope with the issues you are faced with ((hugs for you)). I am sorry to hear about the sad news about your MIL’s cancer (my MIL had breast cancer twice and beat it after a hard fights twice).

  3. sue says:

    oh Kelly,
    i wish we lived closer and i could hug you in person. for now this will have to do (((hugs))).

    i’m also so sorry to hear about your friends’ miscarriage and about your MIL.

    i’m a cryer, too and i know once it starts it’s hard to turn off. i hope the tears dry up soon. i’m so glad you are sharing – never be afraid to share what’s on your heart.

  4. Elizabeth says:

    Oh, I just feel so, so bad for you right now and want to give you big hugs and lots of chocolate. I hate that all this is is crashing on you at once!!!
    All I know is that you have carte blanche to do whatever it takes to get through the holidays!!!

  5. Jenn says:

    Kelly – I’m sorry you are having such a challenging time. And I’m really sorry to hear about your MIL. (How’s Craig doing???) I really really hope and pray that your holidays get better and that you have some happy shining moments very soon!

  6. Jenny says:

    So sorry you are having such a rough time. My father-in-law has been fighting bone cancer for 1 1/2 years. They did not give him that good of a prognosis in the beginning. So, I understand the in-law cancer thing. I have not miscarried so I can’t claim to know your pain. But, I do understand your pain of not being able to grow my family the “traditional” way. I think about how many children Frank and I wanted and then think of all the adoption challenges…and well, two is gonna be it. On a lighter note, my Mother and I used to joke that God messed up on us and put half our bladder where it was supposed to go and half behind our eyes…thus leading to peeing and crying ALL the time. I love you, hang in there. It WILL get better.

  7. Kelly says:

    Oh, Kel. I’m a cryer too if that makes you feel less alone. And if you’re anything like me, once it starts it’s very hard to stop. Crying a lot is also so tiring. You must be exhausted. But it can feel a little better to cry it out rather than keep it inside. I’m just sorry that all these things are hitting at once. And the holidays can just make things worse. I’m thinking about you (and your friend and your MIL). Hugs.

  8. Kris says:

    Kelly, I’m so sorry to hear you have so much heavy stuff to deal with right now, especially during the holidays. I’m thinking of you. I cry ALL THE TIME too. Just let it out.

  9. Jenny says:

    i’m sorry it’s been a rough time 😦 i’m totally a crier too. i cry over everything. happy, sad, angry, i cry. you’ll be in my prayers as you work through all this mess. and your MIL and your friends will by in my prayers too.

  10. Jamey says:

    Sometimes life just temporarily sucks!

  11. Erin says:

    I’m sorry. I hope life treats you better here on out then it has in the past.

    ((big hugs))

  12. Liz says:

    I cried a lot during the adoption wait, especially when it really started to drag on longer than I ever thought it would. Then I cried when I got the referral call, and cried when the reality of what my daughter and her birth family went through hit me. Lately I’ve cried when I think about coming home on Christmas Day with my daughter – happy crying! But I’ve also been crying because I, too, hate my job, and there’s no way for me to get out of it for the forseeable future.

    It’s okay to cry. Sometimes there are things to cry about. Hope the crying helped you get everything out of your system, and I hope there are some reasons to smile in your near future.

  13. Zoe says:

    Ugh, that’s a lot, Kelly. Crying is exhausting but there’s nothing shameful in it whatsoever — it’s necessary and healthy. Hope your therapy session gave you a boost!

  14. I totally get it, Kelly. The crying comes in waves for me. I’ll be totally fine, and will suddenly miss my baby and everything that SHOULD have gone okay and weep for what I had envisioned would be. It’s been well over two years since I lost mine, and sometimes it feels like it just happened. (Particularly when you have to watch babies magically happen to dozens of couples around you.)

    This can be perplexing to some. “But you’re adopting now. Aren’t you excited about that?” It is exciting, but (and maybe you feel this way too) with all the losses, it’s hard to believe it’s actually going to happen sometimes. And any future children don’t negate the lost ones. That’s often an unspoken assumption some folks have.

    Know that you’re most definitely not alone. Weepers unite! 🙂 We are a highly misunderstood species…


  15. Evelyn says:

    Waiting sucks. Period. All of the other things you mentioned also sound worth crying about. Let it out. But I hope you find unexpected joy, too. Hugs to you!

  16. live2roam says:

    Thinking of you. Hope you are feeling better.

  17. Krista says:

    Oh boy. Sounds like you are having a very tough time. I was welling up reading your post about how unhappy you are. I also cry a lot. It frustrates Matt quite a bit. We can’t have a serious conversation without the box of kleenex coming out. Take care – thinking of you…

  18. Tami says:

    I’m sorry you are crying and bummed! I understand. I grew up as my family says…a cry baby. LOL I’m still emotional also and over this all but then the sun comes out….tomorrow or is that in the morning! LOL

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