I’ve had a really hard time dealing with the holidays over the past few years. I think many people who are struggling to build their families have similar problems. I guess it’s just a time when we all focus on family, and I know that my family is not complete, so that makes it difficult for me. I think about the babies we expected to have with us who aren’t here. We get inundated by holiday cards with cute photos and stories about everyone’s kids. I think about our future child in Ethiopia who hasn’t been born yet and who won’t be with us next year either. It has all led to pretty much a complete lack of holiday spirit.
This year I’m finding that it’s starting even earlier, with Halloween. I swear I have seen approximately one million photos of cute kids in pumpkin patches and/or in costume. I enjoy looking at each photo individually. The kids are cute. The parents are proud. Everyone looks like they’re having fun. But compiled all together, in this volume, it’s really overwhelming to me. I should learn to just avoid FB, but I am apparently addicted and I keep going back even though I know it’s bad for me.
Yesterday I found myself near tears thinking about having to deal with actual children in costume on my door step on Halloween. Frankly, I want nothing to do with it or them. It makes me feel like a total loser that I can’t get over my own feelings enough to hand out candy to kids on Halloween. But, that’s how I feel and I’m owning up to it.
So, we’re going to forego Halloween this year. I hadn’t bought any candy yet, so that’s good (or else we’d end up eating it all – or I’d leave it out on the front porch and someone would steal my bowl). We’re going to go out to eat and maybe to a movie. We’ll probably get harassed by some of our neighbors for not being at home, but they’ll get over it. I guess I have to just do what is right for me/us and know that the children will survive if they don’t get candy from our house on Saturday. I’m trying to make choices for me and not for others. So, this Halloween I am choosing to turn the front porch light off and get outta there.