on the same page

Our social worker from WHFC had one notable comment when she reviewed our home study. She wanted us to understand that with the way our age parameters were noted (preferring under 12 months, but open to up to 18 months),  we would almost surely receive a referral in the 12-18-month range.  This is for the simple reason that most people ask for under 12 months, so whenever people are open to up to 18 months, that’s usually what they’ll get. She wanted to make sure we understood this. Although we long ago decided to take wait times out of our decision-making process, I did ask if the wait time was significantly different (shorter) for the 12-18 month range.  It is not.

Anyway, Craig and I talked about it, and we have decided to follow our gut and stick with the under-12-month range. We know that placement does not occur for 2-6 months after referral, so even with that age range, our child may be up to 18 months old at the time he or she comes home. A part of me feels bad for not opening ourselves up to a larger age range, but I’ll get over that. (Yes, I realize I have a pattern of feeling bad about my decisions and/or feelings. It’s something I am trying to work on.)

So, the home study will be adjusted a bit to note this change.

I should explain a bit about how we actually talked about this. Craig and I do some great talking over Gmail Chat while we’re both at work.  We’re both glued to our computers all day and neither of us are too into talking on the phone. We both saw the email from the SW at the same time and we started to have a little dialogue about it. And then we had a jinx moment – where we both typed the same thing at the same time. And the same thing was: “So, we should probably stick with under 12 months.”

This served as yet another reminder of how grateful I am that we have been on the same page throughout our family-building journey. We have had some real struggles, but we have really never had to deal with a situation where one of us wanted to do something and the other didn’t. For example, we both agreed when it was time to seek fertility assistance, but then later, neither of us was interested in doing IVF. We both knew when it was time to seriously consider adoption, and we had similar thoughts in our agency selection and our choice to pursue the Ethiopia route. We might reach decisions in different ways or on different time frames, but we’re on the same page. And I am so happy about that.

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13 Responses to on the same page

  1. Alan says:

    I do some of my best interacting with the world through GChat.

    I wonder if there’s a different way to phrase our age preference — as we’re about to go through the same homestudy process shortly.

    On the WHFC listserv, I remember seeing a post from someone who had accepted a referral of an 8-month-old child from Ethiopia, and had put in a preference of 0-18 months.

    In any case, glad to hear you guys are so in sync!

  2. Jenny says:

    it’s such a nice feeling when you know you and your hubby are on the same page! i think you guys made the right decision. it IS weird for us to have to specify “what type of child we want” and i think we ALL feel weird about it… know you’re not alone, and it’s okay to feel weird!

  3. Christine says:

    I’m chuckling here. When we received our referral and my husband didn’t answer his phone, I checked his skype status which was “available” and proceeded to bombard him with “get off the freaking phone” messages. 😉

    We had a lot of trouble “feeling good” about outlining in black and white the child we were willing to “accept.” It’s just odd, you know? I think you guys made the right choice for yourselves if that’s how it came to be decision-wise. The universe was sending you a message.

    YAY for being so close!

  4. Kelly says:

    It’s nice to have someone you are so in sync with – it just reinforces that your gut was right when the other person is thinking the same thing! I feel lucky in a similar way that Jon and I have almost always been on the same page about these things. I’ve often wondered if I could deal with being married to someone who has very different ideas on how to proceed down life’s paths. Cuz I’ve seen that with other people who do deal with it, but it would be hard.

  5. I completely feel the same way about Adam that you do about Craig – isn’t it an incredible feeling to have someone who not only knows your heart but actually shares it?! We are lucky, lucky women!
    It is so, so hard to spell out in black and white what you’re “willing to accept” in a referred child. What a horribly awkward situation. We had a difficult time with it too. Especially when going line by line, deciding which special needs we felt equipped to handle. I kept thinking that if we’d had a bio baby with any of the issues we denied, we wouldn’t abandon that child! Choice can be a blessing and a curse, eh?

  6. Angela says:

    Kelly, it’s really great you guys are in sync with family planning. I think it’s cute you both typed the same thing at the same time. We requested a child under 12 months too.

  7. Jenny says:

    you have an award on my blog!

  8. Erin says:

    Me and my hubby chat all day on Yahoo too. 🙂

    I definitely understand the age dilemma on adoption.

  9. Megan says:

    We totally understand the age thing too. We requested 0-12 months. Our agency called last week and said they would like us to consider a 13 month little boy (probally 18 months when home). We hung up with them a bit unsure where to go. My husband and I sat in silence for 10 minutes, and then at the same time we said “YES.” He is the on to be our son! We are so excited now, and cannot imagine it being any other way.

  10. Jennifer says:

    Great looking new blog!

    We need to have the gender, age and special needs chat this weekend – since we have our “couple” home study meeting next week and will need to put down in writing what are preferences really are.

    It’s great that you’re both on the exact same page – and over chat!

  11. Janet says:

    I think you are perfectly correct to “go w/ your gut” on these decision things. In the world of adoption, there is SO VERY LITTLE over which we have ANY control. I think we owe it to ourselves and our children to be honest up-front with what we can and cannot accept. This was hard for me too, but my husband presented it in this “practical” way (guys can always be more practical, can’t they?) and it sat well with me.

    Like your new blog look & location. I’ve thought of switching mine over…Wordpress…seems nice. Any big advantages? I do like that people sign their comments with email addresses here on WordPress. Don’t have that on Google and I also don’t like how some people’s profiles are blocked on Google, but yet they can leave comments. Seems strange to me. That is why I set mine up to have to “approve” comments on Google. Some day…maybe I’ll change too (ummm…when I run out of free space…I’m already at 20%!).

    OK…long comment…chatty. Sorry. 🙂

  12. Zoe says:

    That’s great, Kelly. May it always be so between the two of you!

  13. CatherineD says:

    It sounds like you make a great team!

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