Turns out it’s a no-go on doing a password-protected post. It seems that Blogger either lets you password-protect your entire blog or nothing at all. (Please let me know otherwise if anyone knows a way around this.) I’ve actually been thinking about relocating my blog, so maybe this is a time to check out the options. We’ll see.
So now I need to rehash in my head what I want to say here. The gist is that we got another pregnancy announcement yesterday afternoon. I will say that it’s not a standard pregnancy announcement – there are special circumstances involved here – but I’ll have to leave it at that. It’s not my role to make pregnancy announcements for people. But I also can’t explain the whole story or all of my thoughts around it without identifying the people involved. And they read this blog. So forgive me if this is a bit messy.
The bottom line, though, is that as a direct result of this announcement, I am a total mess. The people involved did everything exactly right – they didn’t keep it a secret, they prefaced their announcement by saying, “We have some good news but we know it might be hard for you to hear,” they respected me when all I did was burst into sobs on the phone. I felt horrible for doing that, but it was apparently out of my control. I asked them to give me some time and said that I would get back to them with a better reaction. Eventually.
I am so mad at my reaction, and I am mad that I can’t seem to get over this infertility pain. Whatever “getting over it” would entail, it would be better than this right now. I feel so fragile. I also feel bad that other people in my life have to temper their reaction to this news because they are worried about me.
And of course I am jealous. We are still grieving the loss of our goal to have a biological child. It’s hard for me when others are able to succeed in something that we worked so long and so hard for, but failed in. Repeatedly. And even when we did get pregnant, my stupid balanced translocation screwed it all up.
I was already feeling fragile before this announcement, because our pregnancy that failed in February was supposed to result in a baby to be born sometime around now (the due date was 9/25, and yes, that’s my birthday). Anyway, I think my emotions are on overload right now in part due to this timing.
I’m tired of being so fragile.