fragility

Turns out it’s a no-go on doing a password-protected post. It seems that Blogger either lets you password-protect your entire blog or nothing at all. (Please let me know otherwise if anyone knows a way around this.) I’ve actually been thinking about relocating my blog, so maybe this is a time to check out the options. We’ll see.

So now I need to rehash in my head what I want to say here. The gist is that we got another pregnancy announcement yesterday afternoon. I will say that it’s not a standard pregnancy announcement – there are special circumstances involved here – but I’ll have to leave it at that. It’s not my role to make pregnancy announcements for people. But I also can’t explain the whole story or all of my thoughts around it without identifying the people involved. And they read this blog. So forgive me if this is a bit messy.

The bottom line, though, is that as a direct result of this announcement, I am a total mess. The people involved did everything exactly right – they didn’t keep it a secret, they prefaced their announcement by saying, “We have some good news but we know it might be hard for you to hear,” they respected me when all I did was burst into sobs on the phone. I felt horrible for doing that, but it was apparently out of my control. I asked them to give me some time and said that I would get back to them with a better reaction. Eventually.

I am so mad at my reaction, and I am mad that I can’t seem to get over this infertility pain. Whatever “getting over it” would entail, it would be better than this right now. I feel so fragile. I also feel bad that other people in my life have to temper their reaction to this news because they are worried about me.

And of course I am jealous. We are still grieving the loss of our goal to have a biological child. It’s hard for me when others are able to succeed in something that we worked so long and so hard for, but failed in. Repeatedly. And even when we did get pregnant, my stupid balanced translocation screwed it all up.

I was already feeling fragile before this announcement, because our pregnancy that failed in February was supposed to result in a baby to be born sometime around now (the due date was 9/25, and yes, that’s my birthday). Anyway, I think my emotions are on overload right now in part due to this timing.

I’m tired of being so fragile.

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20 Responses to fragility

  1. Elizabeth Frick says:

    Oh Kelly! Big, big hugs to you.

  2. Angela says:

    I really appreciate your honesty. It has helped me understand one of my own family members who is not as open about her feelings anymore. There's not timetable on grieving.

    You're a wise woman in admitting your true feelings regarding life's dissappointments. Your admittance will allow you heal over time. God bless you Kelly.

  3. Rain Child says:

    Ohh Kelly,
    I am sending you big hugs. I can't imagine the storm of emotions that are pounding through your head and heart right now. Nothing I say will make you feel better, but just know that I am sorry and if I could I would do anything to help.

  4. Angela says:

    Kelly, I can't type worth a flip. I hope you understood what I was attempting to say despite the errors. God Bless.

  5. kelly says:

    Kelly, you poor thing. I know you are not asking for our pity, but I feel for you. It IS hard to hear news like that. Don't be hard on yourself. It's OK to grieve. You might grieve forever, but that's OK. Luckily it sounds like you have understanding friends. They won't hold this against you. It's totally understandable. And crying is healthy. Day by day, you'll be a little less fragile. Hugs.

  6. Erin Sager says:

    sending hugs….Im so sorry! Let yourself be fragile….Looks like you have a lot of support!!!

  7. E says:

    ((((hugs)))) I'm sorry you have ever had to go through this.

  8. Matt and Jenny says:

    i'm so sorry. i know how you feel. i'm not sure we ever COMPLETELY get over not being able to get pregnant 😦 but it will get better and better. especially once you're holding your little one in your arms! hang in there!!! ((((big hugs))))

  9. MK says:

    Oh Kelly, I am so sorry. Your reaction is totally to be expected. It's still painful to hear when people are pregnant, something that seemingly comes so easy to people but is so hard for us to achieve. People don't seem to understand that we are happy for them but we will always be a little sad for us. Sad for the babies we lost, sad for the babies that may never happen. I hate that you are so upset but I don't want to you to be too hard on yourself, it happens to all of us BTs. This isn't fair.

  10. Christine says:

    ((((HUGS)))) I think a lot of people have said what I'm thinking… and probably much better than I could have. Thinking of you.

  11. Sam's Mom says:

    Oh Kelly…I'm so sorry. I KNOW how tough it can be to try to share in someone's joy without being utterly beaten down, raw, angry, hurt, jealous, etc by the same news.
    PM if I can help in any way.
    In the meantime, we had this issue w/ private postings and blogger too…so moved to a WordPress blog and have been very happy. You can protect selected postings, and even make some totally private (ie: just for you) if you are journaling as well as blog posting.

  12. Gwen says:

    I am so sorry. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there!!!

  13. CatherineD says:

    Me too… lots and lots of big hugs.

  14. Robin says:

    Oh Kelly… your thoughts and feelings are so understandable. I dealt with a situation today that was with basically a total stranger and it screwed me up royally. It's really REALLY hard when it's someone you know.

    (((hugs)))

  15. Janet says:

    I can totally relate. I've been there too.
    On the one hand it is totally possible to be very happy for someone else, while at the same time so sad & disappointed. I burst into tears once after a couple (who came to dinner at our house) announced they were pregnant…got pregnant on the FIRST time of trying w/o protection, wouldn't you know?! I waited until they left, but I just sobbed when I shut the door. Anniversaries of things like a miscarriage or when the child would have been born or had a birthday…are always with us. They are part of us. They helped form our path to where we are now. Our fragility makes us the women we are…full of hope & love. Big hugs to you.

  16. Krista says:

    I'm so sorry. I've been there too many times to count (with the announcements). I'll be thinking of you on Friday.

  17. Thai-An says:

    Wishing you much comfort through the emotional overload. I think that you're doing a pretty amazing job of identifying your feelings and letting them be – that's so important to your overall well being! Know that your friends will be ok – you don't need to feel badly for them – and take really special care of *yourself*

  18. E says:

    Kelly, all of your feelings are so understandable…pregnancy announcements are never fun, but what a time for it to come for you. I'm sorry you're feeling sad and mad, frustrated, etc. Hugs to you….

  19. Emily says:

    Kelly, I'm so sorry… it really is super painful… I know! Have you seen Julie and Julia… I felt like the scene when her sister sent her the letter announcing that she was pregnant was so accurate… through her sobs, she's saying… "I'm really happy for her… I am." It's so so hard.

  20. Barbara says:

    Doesn't it suck? Life doesn't make sense. I have an identical twin sister, and both of us have major infertility issues. We both adopted wonderful little boys within 2 months of each other…then all of a sudden, five months after her little boy was home, she got pregnant – impossible medically – and every last person has been saying, "That happens all the time…you adopt, and then you get pregnant!" Interesting statement, since I have not had that happen to me! Thank goodness I have my son to help me manage this craziness. Soon soon soon, your baby will be in your arms, and it will get easier.

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