Two sets of very close friends had babies over the past two days. Obviously, I knew this was going to happen. I had months and months of advance notice. But somehow I ended up being in total shock. Their due dates were over two weeks apart, so I guess I was not expecting the babies to arrive within 24 hours of each other.
I handled the first announcement fine. But I have to admit that my reaction to the announcement and photos of the second one was to burst into sobs.
It is such a strange dichotomy. On the one hand I am absolutely, 100% happy for our friends. But on the other hand, I am in tremendous pain. I am incredibly jealous. I am angry – not at them, but at our situation. I am angry at our unexplained infertility and our recurring miscarriages and my frickin’ chromosomes. And I’m angry at the exhausting adoption process.
I count at least 8 babies born to friends and family in 2009 so far. I don’t want to count any further back than that. It’s not a helpful exercise.
I am afraid that I will be like this forever. I hear that most of it will go away once we have our child home with us. I know that our priorities will have a major shift and that our lives will no longer be focused on the fact that we want and need – but don’t have – a child. And I have no qualms about being able to love an adopted child as much as I would love a biological child. But will I ever be able to get over the years of this pain?
I guess I won’t ever get over it. I have an incredible hope that it will fade into the background someday. But in the meantime, it’s here. It lingers. It flares up from time to time and makes me a person I don’t like very much – a crazy, jealous, irrational person who gets sad about her own life when her loved ones have happy times in their lives.