Two sets of very close friends had babies over the past two days. Obviously, I knew this was going to happen. I had months and months of advance notice. But somehow I ended up being in total shock. Their due dates were over two weeks apart, so I guess I was not expecting the babies to arrive within 24 hours of each other.

I handled the first announcement fine. But I have to admit that my reaction to the announcement and photos of the second one was to burst into sobs.

It is such a strange dichotomy. On the one hand I am absolutely, 100% happy for our friends. But on the other hand, I am in tremendous pain. I am incredibly jealous. I am angry – not at them, but at our situation. I am angry at our unexplained infertility and our recurring miscarriages and my frickin’ chromosomes. And I’m angry at the exhausting adoption process.

I count at least 8 babies born to friends and family in 2009 so far. I don’t want to count any further back than that. It’s not a helpful exercise.

I am afraid that I will be like this forever. I hear that most of it will go away once we have our child home with us. I know that our priorities will have a major shift and that our lives will no longer be focused on the fact that we want and need – but don’t have – a child. And I have no qualms about being able to love an adopted child as much as I would love a biological child. But will I ever be able to get over the years of this pain?

I guess I won’t ever get over it. I have an incredible hope that it will fade into the background someday. But in the meantime, it’s here. It lingers. It flares up from time to time and makes me a person I don’t like very much – a crazy, jealous, irrational person who gets sad about her own life when her loved ones have happy times in their lives.

This entry was posted in adoption, baby, infertility. Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to pain

  1. Rain Child says:


  2. Elizabeth Frick says:

    I just cannot imagine what you've been, and what you continue to go, through. I haven't been in your situation, so I have no real words of consolation or advice. But the painful experiences I have had in my life have been useful in some way or another. Sometimes I learn something about the world or myself. Other times I don't learn anything, but I grow a little bit stronger and more confident. And still other things just plain suck. For me, it's always been about HOW I get through those hard times. Do I curl up in a ball and cry? Yep, sometimes that's what helps the most. But most times I feel better after acknowledging the fact that it's ok to be mad, bitter, upset, depressed, devastated, whatever. And I either turn to my hubby or get really introspective. Allowing myself to feel whatever I want and to know it's ok can help.
    Again, I'm not trying to really offer advice since I have no idea what it feels like to be you. But we all know how it feels to be in pain. You're not alone, ever.

  3. Angela says:

    You expressed your feelings beautifully and realistically. I've never seen anyone put this into words before. You're wonderful.

    It's ironic you posted this today. I just spent a few days running into parents who seem to take for granted that they have children. They talked about their children almost apologetically to me. It was a little sad to me.

    I don't know why life seems so unfair at times. I don't.

    This process is extremly tedious and I've become angry at times as well. I've questioned why am I putting myself though this.

    I believe we'll both be blessed tremendously in the end.

  4. Zoe says:

    I'm not sure deep pain like that ever entirely disappears, but I do think new meaning can be found in it. I wonder if once you become a mom, if you might have a strange kind of gratitude because your infertility actually brought you to the child you love more than anything. And you will be able to empathize and understand a suffering that so many feel and yet feel so alone in. I think it's healthy to feel all the emotions and not to judge them. You are totally allowed to be bitter, angry, jealous, sad, hurt, confused and everything else, while also being happy for your friends. They, I'm sure, have/will have their own particular sufferings… pretty much everyone does.

    None of this probably helps, but just know that your honesty is inspiring and you are in my prayers.

  5. Erica says:

    Hang in there. Your turn will come….

  6. Jodi says:

    I am right there with you, Kelly. I go through those emotions all the time…and I've had several pregnancy announcements lately. And then I feel guilty for not being 100% happy for my friends. It's a sad, vicious cycle that only those of us who have experienced can understand. That's why I love blogworld, I don't feel so alone….or crazy… lol

    (((hugs))) to you!

  7. survivingbaby says:

    Well, I have been in your situation and I have done the exact same thing. I honestly don't know if the pain will ever go away but I think it will get less sharp, less intense. At least, that's what I hope. It's okay to have the reaction you did, you are human and you are sad. I read somewhere that once a couple decides to adopt, there is a time in which they mourn the loss of the idea of a natural child. Doesn't mean you are a bad person or that you will love your child any less when the time comes, it's just a natural reaction. Don't feel bad because you cried or got angry or jealous, it's okay. Allow yourself to feel that without judgment, knowing that you will soon have a child to love and care for yourself.

  8. Catherine says:

    Hi Kelly, I can't remember if I've 'met' you before, but I have come across your blog a few times and just had to reply to this one.

    I know exactly how you feel, and my eyes watered just reading what you're going through. Brian and I both wanted children right away. That was five years ago… we had a ton of infertility testing done, were told that AI isn't an option for us, but were give the option of IVF. When we examined the costs and the success/fail rates, we asked ourselves 'what is it that we really want?' And we realized that we just want to be parents… it doesn't matter how. That's when we decided to adopt.

    Anyway, during those difficult five years, it seems like all of my friends have had babies, and my sister-in-law has had two! I remember so clearly the day they called me two years ago to tell me they were pregnant with the first. I was at work late, so luckily no one else was in the office. My phone rings and it's my BIL and SIL on speakerphone. They asked, "Are you ready to be an aunt?" and I lost it… I tried so hard to keep my sobs in, but I couldn't. I just kept telling them they were tears of joy and that I was so excited. I cried all the way home that night. One of the hardest things was that they didn't think they wanted to have kids at first. Then one day, they changed their minds, and presto – they were pregnant! I completely understand the anger, but not toward them. I absolutely adore my niece and nephew. However, there are so many days that I've thought 'it's just not fair!'

    We received our referral at the end of May, and having pics of him makes a lot of that pain go away. It also helps me to believe that all of this has happened for a reason. He needed parents, we needed a kid – what a perfect coincidence! 🙂 Hang in there, and know that you are not alone. I'm sending you positive vibes for a speedy referral!

  9. mommyto3 says:

    Love ya girlfriend!! 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s