I know enough from the past few years that this too shall pass. Just last week I was telling a family member that I don’t really feel sad anymore. And then, wham! It hit me again. It’s a bit of a cycle for me. But it will get better.
I’ve learned it’s best for me to let myself feel this way instead of trying to fight it. If I fight it, it lasts longer.
Part of my cycle is that when I start to feel down about one area of my life (and really, it’s the primary area of my life – if there’s one thing I have always known I’ve wanted in life, it’s a family), I feel down about other areas as well. I know I need to make some changes in the areas I can control, and that’s what I was alluding to at the end of the last post.
For example, I am not at all happy with my job. I came to the realization this week, after at least a year of talking about the need to find a new job, that I am utterly bored with my work. (Perhaps this explains the worktime blogging?) I am not challenged at all. It’s too easy. I have been looking for a new job for at least a year; there just aren’t many out there. I need to motivate myself to do some networking and make new connections. I also really need to be making more money. Craig makes a decent salary but I work for peanuts, especially considering the cost of my education and the outstanding balance of my law school student loans. I am considerably stressed out about money as we face the need for tens of thousands of dollars to adopt.
I appreciate the suggestions to focus on me or on us and to spend time together and do things now that we won’t be able to do once we have kids. But I feel like that’s what we’ve been doing for the nine years we’ve been married, and certainly the four years we’ve been trying to build our family. IMHO, we lead a very self-centered life.
In the past couple of years, I’ve taken up a new hobby (knitting) or two (gardening). I also joined a book club. Last year I joined the board of directors of the nonprofit that runs the city’s animal shelter. This is something that I feel very good and passionate about, and I probably spend 20 hours a month on it. It is also, however, pretty depressing and not exactly an uplifting activity. Craig and I decided to learn how to golf as an outside activity we could enjoy together, but the problem with golf is that it’s not exactly cheap. We enjoy entertaining people at our home for meals (Craig’s new hobby is cooking – lucky me) and games (another fairly new interest). We adopted a new dog. We have traveled a bit.
We would love to travel more – to visit our friends who live in China, tour Europe, learn how to scuba dive, or go back to Thailand to visit Craig’s dad again – but we don’t really have the money or the vacation time to do that type of travel right now. I’ve been stressing lately about the cost of a dogsitter for our dogs as we take a free vacation this summer to visit family, because I don’t even want to spend a few hundred dollars. We are hoping to take a nice trip somewhere next year to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary, but honestly, at this point I can’t see how we will possibly be able to spend real money on a vacation.
Obviously there are things out there that would occupy my time and make me feel good. I need to find those things, especially if they are free or very low cost. I guess that will be my summer project, aside from the adoption stuff.