Four wonderful friends are providing references for us to the agency. The agency didn’t tell us much about what they would ask of the references. In hindsight, I think this was intentional so that we couldn’t coach our friends on what to expect or say. We thought that it would be a form that asked questions about how they know us, how long they’ve known us, what types of people we are, if there are any reasons why we would not be good parents, etc. But instead, they are apparently being asked to write a letter about us without much guidance. It’s just more than we had expected, and that makes me feel bad. The rest of this stuff is on us, but here we are asking friends to do a favor for us, and now it’s a bigger favor than we expected.

Of course none of our friends are complaining about this or saying anything that would make us feel bad. But it’s just turned into more than we expected and more than we had asked of them, so that does make me feel bad.

We are thankful to have supportive friends who will help us with this part of our journey. We’ve known these friends for years – some as long as 15+ years – and they know us well. I figure pretty much anything they say will be fine, so I’m not at all worried about what words they put on paper. I just don’t want it to be a burden on them.

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4 Responses to references

  1. Elizabeth Frick says:

    I remember being near tears reading our reference letters. It’s flattering to hear what close friends think of you and how you’ll do as parents. Enjoy and know that you would do the same for them.

  2. Christine says:

    It’s funny, we felt the same way. We thought we were completely inconveniencing our references with the letters. We actually had one additional reference we didn’t even know about! It was someone who had a ton going on in their life, so we didn’t ask them, but they felt strongly enough to write on our behalf. They summed it up perfectly when they said “It’s hard to express how much you care for a buddy, a pal, but this allowed me to express that, and support the thing you want most in this world.” I’m all teary reading his email again (I copied and pasted) As Elizabeth said, you would do the same I bet – so don’t worry too much… just give a very sincere thank you.

  3. Erin says:

    Hi, I just happened upon your blog. I have written reference letters for a friend for adoption and I was honored to to do so. Don’t feel bad at all. They will be thrilled to be a part of your journey.
    Also, my husband as a BT and we recently lost our 3 year old due to birth defects related to this. We are exploring what to do next. Thank you for blogging about your decisions.

  4. Erica says:

    I know how moving it was to get to read our friends letters. It was a humbling experience. I saved all our letters for our “Life Book” that we will have for our child. Our friends were so excited to get to get to do something tangible to help us in our journey. I am sure your friends are just so excited to be part of the journey. Don’t worry.

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