it’s over

Nature has taken its course. I’m glad it’s over. That sounds horrible, but it’s how I feel at this point. This is nature’s way of taking care of a baby that would not survive to term or would be seriously disabled. As much heartache as there is now, it would be infinitely worse if we had a later loss or had to make a difficult decision somewhere down the road. I am thankful that these miscarriages seem to occur early for us.

I’m a bit concerned that the cramps and bleeding only lasted for a few hours last night. I guess it will start up again at some point. I had what was quite possibly the most horrific moment of my life last night when I saw the sac. Nothing is really identifiable at this point (and I didn’t look closer), but just the sac alone was really upsetting. It was not something I wanted to see.

I know some of you have gotten more than you bargained for by continuing to read my blog that started out just being about random parts of my life. But some of you have found me because you’re in similar situations – whether dealing with infertility, balanced translocation, pregnancy loss, adoption, etc. (Who knew that my blog would be #21 on a Google search for balanced translocation?) I know how helpful it is to me when I read others’ stories and feelings, and while part of this blogging is pure therapy for me, I also share my story so that others can feel less alone. Finding others who can relate has been a real lifesaver for me.

This morning I have already cleaned three bathrooms, swiffered, vacuumed (and realized that our vacuum is not working properly – it’s simply moving around on the floor), wiped down the kitchen, and tried to de-dog the house. The laundry is simply not getting done today. Now I’m off to get blood drawn and then pick up my dad and stepmom at the airport. They’re here for the weekend for her sister’s wedding, which we will also attend on Sunday, and did I mention we’re hosting a pre-wedding dinner for 23 people tomorrow night? Sigh. It’s good to be busy, but this timing just sucks.

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3 Responses to it’s over

  1. Elizabeth says:

    I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I hope you heal quickly, physically and emotionally. Take good care of yourself.

  2. SJG says:

    I can tell just in your comments how strong you are in going through this. We’ll be praying for you!

  3. The Walker Files says:

    hi kelly. my name is monica walker. i came across your blog while i was doing some reading about my genetic translocation. i was diagnosed in 2003 with a balanced translocation of my 13;14 chromosome. i thought i would write you and say hello as i dont know anyone else that suffers the same heartache that i do and its nice to know that someone else is out there that is going thru the same thing and understands. i find it hard in making sure my friends and family understand. there normal response is "so, you just cannot carry a baby"? i get frustrated because its so much more than that.to give you a picture into my life, my husband and i have suffered thru 3 miscarriages in 00, 02, & 04. we even went as far as to have ivf with pgd in cape town, south africa in 2006 (very cheap compared to the usa and a nice vacation too), but all 10 of my eggs had some sort of genetic abnormality. very heartbreaking to go through that process and not get one healthy egg. to my surprise though, not all of the genetic disorders were caused by my translocation. i had to find some positive in this situation! 🙂so fast forward to today, i am almost 9 weeks pregnant and have a healthy (we think) little one with a strong heartbeat growing inside me. we have never made it past 7 weeks, most of the time the babies die very early on and i have a D&C around 7 weeks or so. so this is certainly a first for us and we are thrilled. this is the first time we have ever seen a heartbeat and a little gummy bear looking person with a big head and little arms in my belly. 🙂with that being said, i just wanted you to know that it will happen because i am proof. whatever you do, don't give up and stay strong. we have no control over the outcome of our pregnancies so when you finally get that one good egg, it will be all that more special.if you ever need someone to talk to that has been there and understands, feel free. id love to chat any time.take care kelly and best wishes!

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